I hate doing this, because it's kinda bullshit, and it puts me in serious danger of not being right about everything. But, the playoffs start in 4 hours, so let's do this.
1-8: Capitals vs Canadiens. Oh come on. There is absolutely nothing legal in this country or theirs that the Habs can do to beat the Caps right now. They have absolutely no tricks up their sleeve of the magnitude of the top four plus/minuses in the league (Schultz, Ovechkin, Green, Backstrom). Why are we even talking about this?
2-7 Devils vs Flyers. Headline a week and a half from now: Marty wins another playoff series, thinks he is responsible for it in any way. The Devils are 13-9-5 since acquiring Kovalchuk, who has yet to actually find solid footing in Jersey, and 4-2 in April. They don't have the cohesion to go far this year, but they can totally fight their way past a flagging Philadelphia team that seemed to give us absolutely everything they had in beating us into 9th in a shootout. If the 5-9-1 in their last 14 Flyers couldn't do more damage to us closing weekend, they're not getting past Jersey.
3-6 Sabres vs Bruins. Ooh, the Token Upset of the picks. See, it's not interesting to just pick the top seeds for every match, so you have to pick the underdog at least once (usually exactly once) per conference. This one's easy. The Sabres are frauds. The Bruins are a team just now getting its shit back together after a mid-season slump and injury extravaganza, just in time for the playoffs. They're getting hot, and while they were never as good as their finish last season, they were also never as bad as their finish this season. Meanwhile, the Sabres are a goalie. Even without Marc Savard, the Bruins have more scoring power than the Sabres do, and now that we're in the playoffs, having a Zdeno Chara in your back 6 in front of a totally competent goalie in Tuukka Rask does a lot more for you than Ryan Miller by himself. (Yes, yes, I know, Henrik Tallinder. To which I counter: Zdeno fucking Chara.) Good series, advantage Boston.
4-5 Penguins vs Senators. Ugh. Just ugh. Pens win. The Senators, like the Sabres, are frauds, and aren't nearly good enough to beat this team on even footing, and it won't be even footing with a Crosby-Ovechkin conference finals on the line.
Am I supposed to go on? Is that how this works? Fine. The following is even dumber, due to its dependency on other outcomes that haven't actually happened yet. 1-6 Capitals vs Bruins - again, I don't see what tricks Boston pulls out of its sleeves, even if Savard miraculously returns, to get past the Caps. Only way this happens is if the Caps get too bored of winning, forget they have to work hard to do it, and lose a couple early, then Savard returns and steals a couple. Not gonna happen. Advantage Caps. 2-4 Devils vs Penguins. The good news is only one of these teams advances. The bad news is at least one of these teams advances. Maybe this round could end in natural disaster? It's a good battle, but I'm thinking the mediocre Pens find enough ways to beat an aging Broduer and bottle up a confused Kovalchuk, and, with the help of a couple of calls, make it past the Devils. 1-4 Capitals vs Penguins? Fuck you, the Capitals win.
Please note that I do not claim that my Western Conference picks are in any way accurate. Screaming loudly tends to wake my girlfriend, so I don't watch that much late-night hockey, so I don't see the West as often as I see the East.
1-8 Sharks vs Avalanche. The Avalanche are kinda more exciting to watch, but that doesn't mean they're good enough to win. They had a solid season, despite finishing 8th, and a lot of bullshit experts will call them to win because "the Sharks can't win in the post-season." However, those people are forgetting that saying a team can't win in the post-season is a fucking asinine thing to say. The Sharks are a better team than the Avs, and should beat them.
2-7 Blackhawks vs Predators. Man, oh man, the Predators are a thoroughly mediocre hockey club. They have a couple of goal-scorers in Martin Erat and Dustin Boyd, a decent defensive corps (Dan Hamhuis, Ryan Suter, Shea Weber), and no one terribly special in goal. The 'Hawks have Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, Dustin Byfuglien, Marian Hossa, Brian Campbell, Duncan Keith, Cristobal Huet, and something to prove. Sorry, Nashville.
3-6 Canucks vs Kings. GRAAAAAUCHGRLEH. That is the noise I make when trying to care about this series. I make this noise because I am under a lot of stress, you see, because it is so very hard to care about this series. I guess people like the Kings, because they made the playoffs, which they haven't done since 2002? I guess people think they're the upstarts who will then challenge the machine of the Canucks, with their magical hockey twins and their completely unreasonably paid goalie? Either team can absolutely win this series, so I'm gonna go with arbitrarily picking the Kings. Cause fuck the Canucks, right?
4-5 Coyotes vs Red Wings. Oh man, this is probably the best series of the first round. This is actually a thrilling team of young people who have learned to play great, exciting, simple hockey up against hockey's aging, powerful dynasty. This should be the fucking Stanley Cup Finals. Watch every game of this series. Y'all know I'm gunnin' for the 'Yotes, so I'm gonna pick them against my better judgement. Oh my god this is going to be good hockey.
And now, the least informed paragraph of bullshit. Look, ma, I'm a real sportswriter, making completely ridiculous predictions that sound good but are based on very little! 1-6 Sharks-Kings. Man, I have to have gotten 3 out of 4 right for this to even be a series. I still think "the Sharks can't win in the post-season" is total bullshit, and I don't think the mediocre Kings have an answer for the Gold medal-winning best line in hockey (Patrick Marleau-Joe Thornton-Dany Heatley). Advantage San Jose. 2-4 Blackhawks-Coyotes. Again, I'm counting on a lot for this to even be a series. It will be another good one, since the Coyotes are kinda to this year's playoffs what the Hawks were to last year's. I think the 'Yotes have a shot here, but I think the 'Hawks have too much power for me to reasonably pick Phoenix. Rooting for the Coyotes, but likely choosing Chicago. 1-2 Sharks-Blackhawks. I think the 'Hawks pull this out: I think the Sharks get tired of winning so much, and I think Marian Hossa earns himself the right to lose his third straight Stanley Cup Finals, for his third different team.
Caps-'Hawks finals? First of all: awesome. Second of all: not terribly likely. Third of all: Caps win. Hossa continues to be the most embarrassed journeyman ever. Washington finally raises a banner. Ovechkin remains the best forward in hockey.
There you go. At the very least, most of my first-round picks might be right. Let's Go Hockey!
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