Monday, May 11, 2009

Penguin Announcers Don't Know Shit

This is not going to be a full post about the topic named in the title, I don't have the time to do the research to mount a case worthy of how dumb these guys are. Remember: one time, once, Pittsburgh got a Ranger broadcast this season, and I had a Pen fan friend writing to me, begging for our announcers, impressed by things such as "they know all our players' names - hell, they know all their own players' names!!"

But what I want to touch on very briefly tonight is the astoundingly painful shit I heard during the first period just now. We know the Pens' guys are insanely homer, as homer as it gets without being Chico Resch, right? Every time a Penguin falls down, the play-by-play comes with the phrase "no call on the play." This is technically accurate, but it's often ludicrously misleading.

But, fine, we know these guys suck. A ton. And why shouldn't they be homers? If Bettman is going to be pro-Penguin, certainly the Pens' announcers have a right to be. What I want to talk about concerns the unnatural hatred Pittsburgh has invented for Alex Ovechkin. Yes, his hit on Gonchar the other night was knee-on-knee. Fine. It was bad of Ovechkin to do, he was frustrated, and - I want to make sure this is clear - he got called for the penalty, too. And served it and everything. It's no different than, say, Malkin slew-footing some Ranger (I think it was Betts?) at the end of Game 4 last season. Except, of course, that Ovechkin actually got called for this hit.

But because it's Pittsburgh, a city full of hockey fans that really know their football, Ovechkin remains the devil. And no, this has nothing to do with jealousy because their precious Crosby was supposed to be the darling of the league, and he's losing it to Ovechkin because Crosby's kinda a fuck - that's just a coincidence.

Anyway, I should get to the astoundingly painful shit I was just forced to listen to, because I have to watch the local fucking broadcast of this shit. Okay, sit down. Ovechkin was on the ice, in the middle of nothing particularly interesting, hitting someone totally legally, getting booed by a crowd full of people who apparently hate stars who actually enjoy the game (not to mention hats). And the astounding phrase I heard was: "There hasn't been a man as hated as Alex Ovechkin since Adam Graves."

Now, there are two possibilities here: either this announcer is a loon, or all of Pittsburgh is. Either he's making it up, or the city of Pittsburgh somehow really feels this way. I'm going to try not to be too Rangerry about this one. I'm not going to mention his 5 Stephen McDonald Extra Effort Awards, 1 Rangers Good Guy Award, 1 Frank Boucher Trophy, or 3 Rangers Fan Club Ceil Saidel Memorial Awards (I don't even know what that last one is). I'm not going to talk at all about Graves's obvious skill - because that's not really in question. You can hate a player with a lot of skill. Like Crosby. In fact, I'm just going to get a bunch of facts from Wikipedia. You can't tell me that Wikipedia has any reason to have a pro-Ranger bias.

In 1993-94, Graves won the King Clancy Memorial Trophy, awarded annually by the PHWA and NHL Broadcaster's Association to the NHL player who "best exemplifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and who has made a significant humanitarian contribution to his community."

In 2000-01, Graves won the Bill Masterson Trophy, awarded annually by the PHWA to the NHL player who "best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to ice hockey."

In 1999-2000, he won the NHL foundation award, given to the player who "applies core values of hockey, commitment and teamwork, to enrich the lives of people in the community."

In 2000, he was given The Sporting News's "Good Guy" award.

Do you see the pattern here? These aren't awards for scoring, though he did a shitton of that, or on-ice commitment, though he had it in spades. They're awards for, league-wide, being a good person. Adam Graves might have won more "being a mensch" awards than anyone else in NHL history. I have done no research to confirm this idea, mind you, but it certainly seems like it could be true.

The point is: this is how the city of Pittsburgh understands hockey: like it's football. It doesn't matter what happens, overall. They see one or two things, and they pretend like they understand. They extrapolate. Badly. Let's talk about the reason Penguin fans hate Adam Graves.

In Game 2 of the Patrick Division Final of the 1991-92 Stanley Cup Playoffs, Graves slashed Mario Lemieux. Let's take a look:



Skip ahead to 0:42. You'll hear the announcer talk about how Graves got the stick right up into Lemieux's face. Then you'll see Graves explaining to the refs that he hit Lemieux in the hands, not the face. Then you'll see the replay. It's a slash. It's a bad slash - a penalty you shouldn't take. And, he got called for it. Yes, it was not a good move on Graves's part.

That's the play. That's why Penguin fans thing Adam Graves was a dirty player. That's it. You see, the hit broke Lemieux's hand. So, naturally, because of this, Adam Graves gets the "dirty" label. Never mind that he is universally loved as a humble, respectful dude who plays hard and, as they say, has an on-ice leadership surpassed only by his off-ice leadership. That one slash makes him, literally, the exemplar of "hated people."

No, really. "There hasn't been a man as hated as Alex Ovechkin since Adam Graves two-handed Mario Lemieux." He is the exemplar of hated people.

In conclusion, these people are fucking crazy. One hit on a star is branded as "dirtier" than a season's worth of attempts to injure by a guy they've never heard of (Editor's Note: "guys they've never heard of" usually include "everyone on their third and fourth lines"). If they get called for a penalty, they boo the officials, no matter what. I actually am just now listening to them boo a Too Many Men call. When a Pen falls down near anyone wearing the other color, they expect a call. If that Penguin is their captain, that comes with a crowd full of boos - again, no matter what.

This is absolutely a fan base of a team captained by a man who whines about hat tricks.

Fuck Sidney Crosby.

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